Directive 003: Approved Protocols for Revolutionary Activity on Social Media Platforms
DIRECTIVE 003
Approved Protocols for Revolutionary Activity on Social Media Platforms
Issued by the Department of Digital Agitation To: All Bureau-affiliated digital operatives, part-time content producers, and citizens who have offered to "help with the social media"
The Department of Digital Agitation acknowledges, with the reluctant pragmatism of those who have studied the data, that the revolution will be, at minimum, partially social-media-dependent.
This is not how the Department envisioned it. The Department envisioned something more... cinematically significant. With large crowds and stirring music and perhaps a mural. Instead, we have a content calendar and a login that three people share but only two can remember.
We proceed anyway. The People require content.
Section I: Platform Assessments
Platform | Ideological Assessment | Authorized Use Level
| Platform | Assessment | Authorization |
|---|---|---|
| X (formerly Twitter) | Chaotic. Everyone is arguing about something that happened three days ago and has since been resolved. The vibe is functionally a public square during a medium-sized crisis, indefinitely. | Authorized — with caution. Keep posts under 280 characters. The forced brevity is ideologically clarifying. |
| Aspirational. The platform rewards beauty, aesthetics, and the implication that one's life is curated. This is antithetical to our mission but our graphics test well here. | Authorized — visual content only. Do not engage in the comments. The comments are a place of suffering. | |
| The Bureau notes that Facebook's primary demographic has aged significantly since its founding. This makes it an ideal channel for reaching the citizens most likely to forward our content to their children with no explanation. | Authorized — for the long game. | |
| TikTok | Fast. Loud. Extremely popular. The Bureau's attempts at TikTok content have been, thus far, received with more enthusiasm than the content deserves, which suggests the algorithm is either broken or ideologically aligned. | Authorized — proceed with algorithmic humility. |
| A platform where professional achievement is performed with the solemnity of a state funeral. The Bureau finds this aesthetically congruent with our satirical voice. | Authorized — unexpectedly strong territory. |
Section II: Content Standards
All content published on Bureau social platforms must adhere to the following standards:
Approved Content Types:
- Short-form directives and pronouncements from fictional bureaus
- Satirical infographics presenting false but official-looking statistics
- Quotes attributed to invented commissars on mundane topics
- Formal announcements of things that do not require formal announcements
- Any content that could theoretically be mistaken, for a single second, for real bureaucratic output
Prohibited Content Types:
- Direct engagement with actual political news events (we satirize the form; we do not comment on the feed)
- Anything that requires the audience to already understand a niche reference to be funny
- Content that is merely cynical rather than absurd — cynicism is lazy; absurdism requires architecture
- Posting at 2 AM in a mood — the Bureau has protocols for a reason
Section III: Engagement Guidelines
Responding to Comments:
The Bureau voice must be maintained in all public-facing interactions. If a citizen comments on a post, the response should be in character — brief, bureaucratic, and slightly unhelpful in the most courteous possible way.
Approved response structure: "The Bureau acknowledges your inquiry. This matter has been referred to the appropriate sub-committee. A response is anticipated within 6–8 weeks. We appreciate your patience and your engagement metric."
On Quote-Posting: Quote-posting is ideologically complicated because it places Bureau content in proximity to content the Bureau did not vet. The Department recommends quote-posting sparingly and only when the source material is either very funny or very earnest — either condition enables the satirical contrast the Bureau requires.
Section IV: Metrics and Success Criteria
The Bureau measures success not by follower count — an individualistic vanity metric — but by the Collective Amusement Index (CAI), defined as:
The number of people who shared this content with someone they thought would find it funny.
This is the only metric that matters. Likes are passive. Shares are commitment. Shares are solidarity.
The Department thanks the digital operatives for their continued service to the comedic collective.
Issued under the authority of the Department of Digital Agitation "The algorithm does not care about us. We care about the algorithm. This is the relationship." The Department has feelings about this. We continue anyway.