This directive has been issued by the Ministry of Global Unity to inform all citizens of the impending bureaucratic restructuring of the global order.
The Dawn of the Communist New World Order
The announcement came at precisely 06:66 Bureau Standard Time — a scheduling anomaly the Ministry of Temporal Accuracy insists is “within acceptable metaphysical variance.”
Across the world, leaders gathered beneath the crimson banners of the Communist New World Order, a coalition forged to finally abolish the last remnants of capitalist mischief: tax evasion, union busting, market manipulation, price gouging, embezzlement, and other capitalist crimes too numerous to list without filing Form 88‑C (“Declaration of Excessive Enumeration”).
At the center of the summit stood Supreme Chairman Obelus, a calm figure whose presence was described by witnesses as “radiating an aura of bureaucratic inevitability.” Rumors circulated that Obelus had forged alliances with the Powers of Darkness, though the Ministry of Spiritual Compliance clarified these were “perfectly normal diplomatic entities recognized by the Bureau since Directive 13‑B.”
Citizens are reminded that metaphysical alliances are not inherently dangerous unless accompanied by unauthorized sigils, unregistered familiars, or attempts to bypass the Ministry’s mandatory soul‑audit process.
The Reaction from the Opposition
Upon hearing the news, Arch‑Patriot Trumvald, Defender of the Old Markets, reportedly collapsed into a leather chair in the Oval Sanctum and declared:
“If Obelus commands the legions of darkness, then I shall stand with the legions of angels!”
The Ministry of Celestial Coordination has confirmed that angelic forces may participate in the final conflict, pending completion of Form 77‑A (“Heavenly Deployment Request”), Form 77‑B (“Wing Span Verification”), and Form 77‑C (“Declaration of Non‑Smite Intent”).
Unfortunately, none of these forms have been filed.
The Paperwork Before Armageddon
Despite widespread excitement, the Bureau has reminded citizens that Armageddon cannot legally proceed until all required documentation has been submitted, stamped, countersigned, notarized, duplicated, archived, and ritually incinerated.
Current estimates suggest:
- 88,000+ forms must be processed
- 12,000 seals must be applied
- 400+ ministries must approve the event
- 1,200+ celestial and infernal entities must be registered
- All citizens must complete Form 999‑X (“Acknowledgment of Impending Cosmic Conflict”)
The Ministry of Excessive Bureaucracy warns that failure to complete paperwork may delay the apocalypse by several millennia, which would be “deeply inconvenient for scheduling.”
The B.E.A.S.T. Initiative
To streamline compliance, the Bureau has unveiled the B.E.A.S.T. Initiative — the Bureaucratic Enforcement and Administrative Stamp Tribunal — responsible for stamping every citizen’s hand with the Official Seal of the New World Order.
Citizens should not be alarmed.
The stamp:
- is non‑toxic
- is metaphysically binding
- is visible in ultraviolet, infrared, and bureaucratic wavelengths
- grants access to all government‑approved rations
- allows participation in the Final War (pending paperwork)
The Ministry assures citizens that the seal is “not a mark of cosmic allegiance,” though it does glow ominously when exposed to forbidden capitalist artifacts such as coupons, private property deeds, or unregistered tools.
What Happens Next
The Bureau has issued the following timeline:
- Week 1: Citizens complete preliminary Armageddon paperwork
- Week 2: Ministries finalize celestial and infernal alliances
- Week 3: B.E.A.S.T. stamps are distributed
- Week 4: The Final War begins (tentative, pending approvals)
- Week 5: Post‑apocalypse feedback surveys distributed
- Week 6: Citizens return to work
The Ministry of Public Harmony reminds all citizens that the apocalypse is a mandatory civic event and will be conducted with full respect for Bureau protocol.
Final Notice
Citizens are encouraged to remain calm, remain compliant, and remain within designated paperwork zones until further instructions are issued.
Failure to comply may result in:
- fines
- reprimands
- additional paperwork
- or reassignment to the Ministry of Eternal Filing
May the Bureau bless your forms and guide your stamps.